I walked downstairs from the hostel heading for the Christian Union center. My mind was full of ranging thoughts that made me pay little attention to those would say a hi or wave at me. I was just in a world of my own walking in a different one. I was still confused of what my life would be but at the same time worried if I stopped doing all this stuffs how life would be hard on me.
My performance was not that bad and I did more than what I was supposed to do. Mine was to do projects for a pay so long as I have some cash at the end of the day to get drugs from my 'supplier' downtown. My father would send me enough cash for my upkeep which was to stand for my meals, personal wants and some activities of maybe going to towns to run some errands. Only a few knew and still know my past especially my family life so am still seen as a normal guy around the school.
Seated facing the pulpit with my tears about to flow my thoughts went back to my past and I could feel the guilt of even facing altar itself. Looser was the word echoing in my mind and I knew I had disappointed everyone, God included. I tried to utter some words to pray but my present me had forgotten the prayer formula. Tears rolled down my cheek as I tried to look at the linens that decorated the pulpit. I could not see the linens though my eyes were fixed at them. I tried to think but my mind went blurred creating more confusion in me. About thirty minutes I bent low on the seat that was now becoming uncomfortable. Again I looked up and saw someone playing the keyboard softly. I rose from my seat and walked towards the main exit.
Outside the breeze cooled me as some birds chirped on a nearby tree. I still couldn't tell what I was to do, whom to talk to, or where to go. My attention was brought back by some of my friends who were passing by the place from a lecture. I tried to force a fake smile but this only got worse as one of them shouted back at me saying that the manner in which I smiled back was unusual. So I had to lie that I was not feeling well and they all came and gave me a hug telling me that everything would be fine. For the first time I felt something that I had missed for a long time. I walked a different direction from them towards the school's health center. I walked past the health center heading for the club house where students go swimming. My face felt like a curse was displayed and lifting my head was something that I felt ashamed of. Just some meters away from the entrance I saw my 'pal' talking with some friends. I made him a gesture to come over for a moment. As he walked towards me he reached for his backpack and got me an envelope and I handed him the amount he deserved. I could not stay without doing this. I left and headed back to the hostel.
The guilt in me was dropping as I became high. I took my books and went through my notes for a while then into the laptop and did some finishing on my assignments. After all I am a geek and nothing can change that. Confusion.
My performance was not that bad and I did more than what I was supposed to do. Mine was to do projects for a pay so long as I have some cash at the end of the day to get drugs from my 'supplier' downtown. My father would send me enough cash for my upkeep which was to stand for my meals, personal wants and some activities of maybe going to towns to run some errands. Only a few knew and still know my past especially my family life so am still seen as a normal guy around the school.
Seated facing the pulpit with my tears about to flow my thoughts went back to my past and I could feel the guilt of even facing altar itself. Looser was the word echoing in my mind and I knew I had disappointed everyone, God included. I tried to utter some words to pray but my present me had forgotten the prayer formula. Tears rolled down my cheek as I tried to look at the linens that decorated the pulpit. I could not see the linens though my eyes were fixed at them. I tried to think but my mind went blurred creating more confusion in me. About thirty minutes I bent low on the seat that was now becoming uncomfortable. Again I looked up and saw someone playing the keyboard softly. I rose from my seat and walked towards the main exit.
The guilt in me was dropping as I became high. I took my books and went through my notes for a while then into the laptop and did some finishing on my assignments. After all I am a geek and nothing can change that. Confusion.